


The Bachelor Party

by UnsteadyGenius



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Bachelor party gone wrong, Crack, Drinking Games, Drunken Shenanigans, Gen, Humor, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Out On The Town
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-28 13:38:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10106078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnsteadyGenius/pseuds/UnsteadyGenius
Summary: A night out in Altissia for Noctis and his friends is inevitably a recipe for disaster as drunken antics and frivolity ensue.





	

**The Bachelor Party**

_Hello there. Yes, I am the Prince of Insomnia and yes, I'm being held overnight in jail. Oh, him? That's Ignis, sulking with his head in the corner. Gladio is over there nursing his knuckles. The blondie is Prompto and he's passed out right now. And me? Well, I'm just sitting here on this uncomfortable, Astrals-Forsaken cot with a lovely black eye. You might be wondering how we got here. Well, it all started yesterday morning when Prompto decided it would be a great idea to spend a night out on the town. . ._

* * *

Noctis sat on the bed, lamely playing with his phone. They'd just gotten back from paying a visit to the Head Secretary of Altissia and had the rest of the week to burn until they had to summon the Hydrean, Leviathan. It was a beautiful day out and Ignis opened the French doors to the balcony to let in some light and fresh air. "This room is far too stuffy," he complained, before retiring to the attached kitchen to concoct some new recipes.

Gladiolus, the bodyguard and King's Shield of the group, was reading a book on the other bed. For once, the room was peaceful. That was until Prompto came barrelling up the stairs and slamming the door open. "GUYS. THERE'S A NIGHTLIFE DISTRICT," he stated as if this was the most important piece of news in the world.

Both Gladio and Noctis looked up, bewildered. Prompto waved his hands in front of himself, clearly ecstatic. "There is a nightlife district, complete with a casino and a few bars! We have to go! Tonight!"

"Absolutely not," Ignis drawled, still in the kitchen. He set the bowl that he was mixing some ingredients in on the counter, wiped his hands on a dish towel, and glared at Prompto.

"What do you mean, 'Absolutely not'? We haven't been able to go out together since before we left Insomnia! C'mon, it'll be fun!"

"Do you remember the last time we all went out? You and Noct nearly got us kicked out of the bar with your antics before I was able to step in and rectify the situation." He flipped a few pages in his recipe notebook and grabbed some spices from a nearby bag, blatantly ignoring Prompto as he stood in the common area of the room, trying to recall the incident that Ignis was referring to. "We will remain close to the Levelle and bide our time accordingly."

"Ugh! Nooooccctttt, tell him we need to go out!" Prompto whined, now flopping on the same bed that Noctis occupied.

Noctis shut the screen of his phone off and turned around to face Ignis. "I mean, we _could_ use a night out, Specs . . ."

At this point, Gladio dog-eared his spot in his book and tossed it on the bed. "In all fairness, we do owe Noct a Bachelor Party for his now-defunct wedding."

"Keyword: now-defunct," Ignis retorted, his eyebrows furrowed together in growing frustration.

"Ah, Iggy, why don't you live a little, hm? You're always wound up too tight. I don't see the harm in going out and having a few drinks. Besides," Gladio teased, now standing by Ignis and jabbing him in the arm with his pointer finger, "you're going to start getting gray hairs and more wrinkles if you don't stop stressing about every little thing. Plus, if I recall correctly, you're pretty good at Blackjack."

"Yes! See! You can play Blackjack! PLEASE PLEASE PLEEEAASSEEE, IGGY? I promise that Noct and I will be on our best behavior!" Prompto was on his knees, begging pathetically.

Ignis looked at Noctis who now had the biggest grin on his face. He sighed and rolled his eyes, completely outnumbered. "Fine, only for a few drinks and maybe some games. But that's all!"

"YAY!"

* * *

Night had come sooner than they expected and the four were now in various stages of getting ready. Noctis and Prompto were sitting on two spare chairs, playing King's Knight and drinking the beer that Gladio picked up for them earlier. Ignis was still parked in front of the mirror in the bathroom, perfecting his hairstyle and fastening his suspenders over his striped button-up shirt to his pants. Gladio was trying to decide between the white jeans or black jeans with his dark tank top and green leather jacket. Both Noctis and Prompto pointed to the white jeans when asked which one they'd choose, neither one looking up from their games.

Finally, once they were all ready, they locked up the room and hailed a gondola ride to the other side of Altissia. It was a peaceful ride for what they all (except Ignis) hoped would be an eventful night. As they docked, they heard the thumping of the bass at a nearby bar. People overflowed from the buildings into the streets and laughter and conversations rang loudly into the night air. Prompto danced eagerly when he got off the gondola, unable to contain his excitement.

Noctis put his hands on his hips, surveying the district with fascination. Soon, all four were standing side-by-side and Noctis smiled at them, a hint of mischief in his eyes. "Gentlemen, let's prepare to have the night of our lives."

"Sounds good, but what should we hit up first? Bar, club, or casino?" Gladio asked.

"Let's get a drink at that bar over there, before Ignis has an aneurysm from having to be here at all," Prompto playfully mocked, nudging the taller man's shoulder. They all chuckled at Ignis' expense as they walked the short distance to the bar and entered without getting carded by the bouncer. Fluorescent bands indicating they were of age to drink were wrapped on their wrists and they made their way through the crowds to an empty table.

"That's fine by me," Noctis shrugged, flicking the wristband. "Now we don't have to rely on you and Gladio to get Prompto and me our drinks."

Prompto and Gladio had already found the bar, ordering a round of shots for the four of them as Ignis pushed his glasses up higher on his face. "Yes, well, please exercise caution in not getting caught. You know that, as the prince, you are held to a higher standard and getting caught drinking underage would not bode well for your image."

Before Noctis could open his mouth to respond, Prompto shoved a shot glass in his hand. "Less talking, more drinking!"

"Woah woah, wait a minute! Isn't someone going to make a toast?" Gladio held a hand up to stop anyone from taking their shot too soon. They looked at each other and then the three turned to Noctis as he held his glass up slightly.

"Ok, I guess I'll go," he cleared his throat. "Well, it has been one hell of a road trip with you guys. I wouldn't be here without you by my side. You guys are the best. So, let's toast to the future and-," he knocked the shot back with one quick motion, slamming the glass on the table in front of them and scrunching his face at the burn of the alcohol as it went down his throat and warmed his insides, "to a killer bachelor party for a non-existent-for-right-now wedding."

"Cheers!" The other three clinked their glasses together and smiled, taking their shots at the same time and slamming their glasses down on the table next to Noctis'.

* * *

It didn't take long for the alcohol to take hold. After their first round of shots, they each ordered a few more before moving on to actual drinks. Gladio was going through whiskey and cokes faster than Ignis could get through his scotch on ice. While they were standing at the bar people-watching and cracking jokes with each other, Noctis and Prompto were off in the corner, challenging each other to see who could chug their beers first and getting progressively louder the more they drank.

"Dude! You cheated! I saw you cheat!" accused Prompto as he sloppily wiped his mouth with the back of his hand before finishing the last bit of his beer. He'd lost count of how many drinks he'd had about three beers ago.

"H-how could I cheat? I kicked y-your ass fair and square!" Noctis stuttered, swaying slightly and giggling.

Prompto started to giggle, too. "Noooooct, you're getting drunk, I can tell. You can't stand up straight."

"Shaddup dude, I'm so sober. I have to be sober. Someone's going to have to take care of your ass when you pass out later, lightweight."

Ignis appeared by their sides, his face expressing condescending judgment. "Having fun?"

They froze and Prompto slowly glanced up at him, pointing at his face and trying not to erupt into a fit of giggles. "Iggy's drunk, Noct! His eyes are soooo red. Like, so red. Talk about a lightweight!"

Ignis brushed Prompto's hand aside and took another sip of his drink. "For your information, I'm ( _hic_ ) not a lightweight. I'm just tired of having ( _hic_ ) to follow you lot around. I'm most ( _hic_ ) definitely not ( _hic_ ) . . . oh, bloody hell," he cursed, sending Noctis and Prompto into hysterics.

"Specs is drunk! I've never seen him so much as buzzed! This is great! Prom, get a pic! We can't let this moment go undocumented!" Noctis demanded, reaching for Prompto's camera, but missing as his coordination was severely hindered by the alcohol.

"I've been drunk before, thank you very much. I ( _hic_ ) just don't choose to get sloppy about it and I don't appreciate your ( _hic_ ) mockery of me. And don't you _dare_ take any ( _hic_ ) pictures of me tonight," Ignis narrowed his eyes and stormed away, presumably to get another drink at the bar.

Prompto turned his camera on and turned around, frowning as he saw Ignis was already long gone. "W-where did he goooo? I wanted to get a picshur."

"He'll be back, dude. He's suuuuper loyal, you know? Like, soooo loyal. He's so cool. I'm lucky to have him as my advisor and friend," Noctis rambled, pointed in the general vicinity of where he had stormed off to.

Prompto snapped his head up. "Ohhh, you know what would be so cool? If we c-could get a snack. Like, dessert or sssomethin'. Oh man, what if we can get like that dessert you g-got in Tenebrae as a kid? Let's get that thing! The one Iggy tried to make when we were in high shcool!"

Noctis slung his arm over his friend's shoulder and hugged him close to his side. "We can get _whateverrrr_ we want because I'm the prince, dammit. I jus' have ta tell the food people and I can get anything I want. Les' jus' tell Gladio we're done here, hokay?"

Prompto scanned the room and quickly covered his eyes, but peeked through his fingers. "Ah, he looks kinda busy, man."

Noctis' eyes were half closed as he tried to focus on what Prompto was referring to. They widened quickly when he realized Gladio had his face buried in some busty blonde's neck, clearly oblivious (or maybe he just didn't care) to how intimate they were getting in such a public place. Noctis clapped loudly and threw his fist in the air. "THAT'S GLADIO! HA, THA'S MY BOY! GIT IT GLADDY!"

Gladio pulled away from his intense makeout session and growled, gesturing with his middle finger at the two who now smiled cheesily at him and had their thumbs up in his direction. The woman looked at Gladio quizzically and whispered something in his ear, running a long finger down his bulky arms. He smirked, nodded, and took her hand, guiding her through the crowd and past Noctis and Prompto. "Guys, get on my level," he bragged as he strolled outside, the faint smell of whiskey coming off his breath.

Noctis cheered after him but quieted when Prompto tugged at his arm. "Come onnnnn, dude. Foooood!"

He shook off Prompto's hand and waved him away. "Go get tha food then and I'll catch up in a minute. We can't leave Iggy alone, you know?"

Prompto didn't need to be told twice as he dashed outside and took a hard left. Noctis stumbled backward and steadied himself on a table that was littered with half-consumed drinks, knocking a few to the floor. "Ahhhh, man! Party foullll, amiright?" he said to no one in particular, stepping over the sticky drinks. His eyes searched the bar for Ignis and he realized that he wasn't there. In fact, he was nowhere around.

Shrugging and giving up super early on the 'find Ignis' mission, he clumsily walked out of the bar to find Prompto. He didn't have to go far though because he found the blonde sitting on the ground just outside with his back against the wall, legs extended out in front of him and greedily stuffing his face with a brownie. Prompto smiled at the prince and held a piece of the dessert out for him. "Wn sm?" he offered with his mouth full.

Noctis sat next to him. "Duuuude, wherdjya get tha'?"

"That n-nice guy over there gave it to meee. He said it's homemade so I was like 'ok then' and it's soooo good. You shuulld h-have some!"

Noctis tilted his head and frowned. He took a finger and ran it through a small bit of the icing on top before howling with laughter. That subtle taste was recognizable anywhere. "Prom, dude, I think th-that's a Gysahl Green brownie. Dude, you're going to be soooooo hiiiiigh."

Prompto started choking on and his eyes grew large. He spit out what he had in his mouth, but it was pointless as he'd already inhaled most of the brownie at this point. Noctis laughed again and slapped his friend's arm playfully. The man who gave the brownie to Prompto smiled and waved from across the street. Prompto, his eyes glassy from the alcohol, looked frantically from the man to Noctis. "I've never been high before. Oh, Gods, am I going to die? I've had too much to drink and I can't handle being drunk and high oh no Noct I'm going to die, aren't I?"

Noctis snickered and stood up, pulling Prompto up with him. "Shaddup dude, you'll be fiiiiine. We gotta go find Iggy though because he's g-gone. Like, POOF. Disappeared. Goooooone."

Prompto gasped. "Is Iggy a magician? Like, he can saw you in half and shtuff?"

"Dude, no way! He's . . ." They started to stumble down the street when Noctis got an idea. "Holllyyyy shit, Prom. What if he's at the casino?"

They both locked eyes and grinned, jogging off to the bright lights that signaled the casino at the end of the district. A large gathering had formed around the entrance of the casino and blocked a huge portion of the road. The closer the drunk prince got, the louder the cheers seemed to get. Whatever was happening, the people were extremely excited about it.

The crowd parted for Noctis as he made his way to the middle of what it was that everyone was standing around. At the Blackjack table sat a stone-faced Ignis with the largest stack of chips in front of him. He didn't even glance up when Noctis slapped his back, hard. "IGGGYYYY LOOK AT YOUUUU! YOU'RE RICH!"

"Another drink, Mr. Scientia?" the cocktail waitress purred as she moved smoothly behind him, a scotch on the rocks on her tray. He took it and coolly brought it to his lips, finally regarding his friend who was now jumping up and down like a small child.

"Did you ( _hic_ ) lose the other two?" he motioned with his drink in his hand.

Noctis scrunched his face. "Other two? No, Gladio is off with s-some girl and Prompto is . . . " he whirled around in a circle (and again and again), trying to locate his blonde friend. "Ahhhh maaaann, Prompto is goonnneee. I lost him! I gueeesssss I'll go get him!"

"You do that," Ignis raised his glass in Noctis' direction and smirked before turning back to the table, another hand already dealt in front of him. Still somewhat dizzy from just spinning in circles at the Blackjack table, Noctis got to a large stone pillar and propped himself up on it. When the spinning subsided, he snorted and continued on the hunt for his best friend. Along the way, he bought another shot of vodka and then grabbed an unopened bottle of beer from behind an unattended bar, not even caring that he was mixing alcohol at this point.

He was now skipping down the street, feeling great with his beer in his hand. Altissia looked so pretty at night, especially after you had way too much to drink. This was shaping up to be an amazing bachelor party, he thought. If only he could find. . .

He tripped over a sleeping body and started to curse at the roadblock, but cackled drunkenly instead. "Duuuuude Prom! There you are! And you're sleeepy!" he observed loudly, standing over his friend's passed out body, splayed on the ground. He nudged him with the toe of his boot, but it didn't even cause Prompto to stir. Noctis knelt down and cooed, "Awww, my favorite Chocobo-Boy. You're so full of sunshine and happiness. My best friend. Scoot over, I'm sleepy too!"

He started to maneuver himself to the ground when the crowd at the casino booed. Noctis stood up again instantly and staggered back to the crowd. As he approached, he heard a heavy accented voice yelling loudly, sounding like it was getting closer to the edge of the crowd. Noctis couldn't help but laugh as Ignis burst through the people, but he wasn't alone. Instead, he was carted out by two Altissian officers, their hands gripped tightly on both of his arms.

"Sir, it is punishable up to one night in jail and a 500 gil fine for counting cards here in Altissia."

"Officers, ( _[hic] On Shiva's grave I swear these hiccups better stop soon I'mnoteventhatdrunk)_ I already told you I wasn't counting cards! I'm just naturally that gifted at winning!"

"We saw you using your fingers to count out loud which card you knew was coming next!"

He scoffed. "Well, obviously! I couldn't count those numbers in my head. It gets tricky!"

The officer didn't look amused in the slightest. "So you admit you _were_ counting cards?"

Ignis realized what he'd admitted and grimaced, catching Noctis' giggling figure in his peripheral. "Noct! Tell these lovely officers that I am a law-abiding citizen! You owe me for all those times I bailed you out of trouble back home!"

"What is going on?" Gladio's loud voice boomed over the scene. He was pulling his jacket on and his hair was in total disarray as he hurried over to Ignis, Noct, and the officers. Noctis thought better than to get involved, instead taking another swig of his beer just mere feet away.

"Your friend here was counting cards, a punishable offense here in Altissia."

"Gladdy, dude, where did you go?!" Noct slurred.

"I was over there with the Bar Girl!"

A shrill female voice shouted from behind, "I have a name, you know!"

"Nooooocccttttt, I don't feel so gooooodddd. . . " Noctis jumped. Prompto was now standing behind him, somewhat half asleep and holding his stomach, looking frightening pale.

"Get your hands off of my friend," Gladio drunkenly demanded, grabbing one of the officer's hands and prying it off of Ignis' arm.

"Gladio, stop, this is too funny! Ignis never gets in trouble!" Noctis slurred.

"Why should I get in trouble? I didn't do anything!" Ignis continued to maintain his innocence as Gladio once again tried to pull the officer's hand from around his arm.

The other officer stepped forward and reached out to Gladio, but he missed entirely as Gladio evaded his attempt to restrain him. The first officer reluctantly released Ignis and reached back for his handcuffs, ducking as Gladio's fist came right for the side of his head. Noctis found the entire scene downright hilarious and drank more of his beer, ignoring Prompto's whining behind him about not feeling well.

"Sir, if you don't settle down, we'll have to take you in as well!"

This, for whatever reason, only infuriated Gladio into an even deeper drunken rage. He brought his right fist back and threw all his strength into it. However, the alcohol slowed him down tremendously and the officer, once again, ducked. His balance was entirely thrown off and the force pulled Gladio forward. Unbeknownst to him, though, Noctis was standing right behind said officer and wasn't paying too much attention. As a result, Gladio's fist collided hard with Noctis' right eye and sent him flying backward onto the road.

"WHAT THE HELL, GLADIO?!" he screamed, but his mind suddenly went back to his beer. He took a huge gulp. "DUDE! I didn't even spill a drop! Awesome!"

Gladio stood, stunned. The two officers had called in backup just seconds before and now the square was swarming with more cops. Prompto stumbled to the first officer and tapped him on the shoulder. "Mister . . . I think I'm going to be . . . ," and before he could finish his sentence, he lurched forward, holding himself up with one hand on the officer's shoulder as he threw up alcohol and brownies all over both of their shoes.

The cop looked straight up to the sky, completely and utterly done with the night. "I don't get paid enough to deal with these kinds of people."

One by one, the surrounding officers handcuffed Ignis, Gladio, and Prompto (for public intoxication). Noctis remained sitting on the ground, alternating between happily chugging his beer and holding the cold bottle to his eye. The second cop eyed him suspiciously and crossed his arms. "You. How old are you? You don't look old enough to be drinking."

Noctis sloppily wiped his mouth and looked at the officer through half-closed eyes, sneering. "I'm the Prince of Insomnia. I do what I want!"

He sighed and waved over another set of cops. "Take this one in, too. Underage drinking."

As he felt them pick him up off the ground, Noctis kicked his feet in protest. "What are you doing? You don't know me! I'm going to be King of the entire world of Eos! I'll have you all fired!"

"Mmmhmm, sure kid. Maybe next time, you and your friends won't be so obnoxious when you're out on the town."

"PUT. ME. DOWN. DAMMIT! I'M PRINCE NOCTIS LUCIS CAELUM. I DO WHAT I WANT!"

* * *

 _And that's how we ended up here. Ignis is all sulky because, according to him, _he_ _ most certainly was not _ _counting cards and_ he's never been in trouble with the law_ _. Gladio won't talk to me because he said we're the reason he only got to 'second base' with What's-Her-Name and he was well on his way to taking her back to the room. Ew. And Prompto has been sound asleep since he laid down in the corner. Lucky bastard gets to sleep through this entire debacle._

_I know I'll get back to the Levelle with a terrible hangover, an awful-looking black eye, and I'll have to deal with Ignis holding this over my head for years to come. But, you know what? I'd say landing in jail for the night with my good friends makes for a pretty successful bachelor party in my books._

**Author's Note:**

> I had this short, silly (and, yes, ridiculously over the top!) one-shot in my head for a while and wanted to finally get it down on paper. Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
